I just want to create things and have a dog and my cat and have dirty short fingernails because I'm an artist and a cook and nail polish chips off in ten minutes anyways.

I want independence. I want my car and a tiny spot I can call my own. I want my friends and visits to Vermont and New Hampshire. 

Bruise

It's been two weeks and my bruise is still lingering: 

Quiz

answer with all emojis

Favorite color: 💐

Favorite animal: 🐶

Favorite sport: 🏈

Favorite emoji: 😬🐻

Describe you: 🎨📷

Gender: 🙎

How many siblings: ✌🏻️

Cutest emoji: 👗👙

Night or day: ☀️

Favorite fruit: 🍓

Single or taken: 💑

Favorite season: 🔥🏊🏻☀️

Don't look at me

Sunglasses. The whole "awkward eye-contact from how many feet away and should I look back? Should I smile? Maybe I'll wrongly assess the situation and feel bad about myself after" thing is avoided by sunglasses and it took me 2 years to figure that out. 

I feel invisible and invincible.

Ahhh, the joys of crippling anxiety.

Update: sometimes I walk past a slower person and then become too aware that they are watching me from behind now and then I completely forget how to walk.  Sunglasses do not protect against that. Must wear invisibility cloak.

Jackson kept my picture on display.

Jackson's mom sent me a message at 7am.
It's only been two weeks since he left us but I feel my light, my faith, my soulshine is gone. My positivity, my desire to keep doing things, moving up and forward. My energy and my smile. My patience. I feel a bit like a shell.

I wonder how long that'll last.

I miss my friend.

Sleepover fun

Chris found a fork on the ground and put it on the back of the car (he calls the car 'Toad') and then we drove around all over the place and the fork never fell off.

Chris made dinner for us and it was DELICIOUS. Chicken and broccoli and side of noodles. Yum.

Chris and Robbie and I went swinging at night. It felt like a roller coaster and was so much fun. Chris climbed up a tree like 30 feet up.

We went swimming in the closed pool and I have huge bruises on my legs because I could hardly make it over the fence. I took my clothes off and jumped in!! I did it because I want to live in the spirit of Jackson, and I think he would have. I want to LIVE, since he can't anymore.

Robbie and I stayed up until 5am talking.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

July fourth weekend

Rafting was amazing 😊

New / Old kitty. Lemon Pepper is here

6/22 - 6/30

Worked a full 40 hour week and it flew by.
Monday Dana sent in a request for me to get my license!
Tuesday she called to let me know.
 It's a waiting game now.
Rafting was rescheduled for the weekend, but it rained so no one did anything. We went to a christening for Chris's niece on Sunday where I met some more of his family.

M just dropped Lemon off. She looks skinnier and scared. :( I hope she and Goji adjust quickly.

6/19

So excited to go rafting. Went shopping with Chris for the whole day. Got burnt tanning. Taylor doesn't want to go to camp.

6/20

Rafting was canceled. Went to Mohonk and did the rock scramble trails. Lots of fun! Dinner with everyone later at the Gilded Otter. Lots of pictures!

Keep exercising

6/17

Gym 9-11 and walk 11-12, nap with Chris, baseball game at block park with chris and Sofia.

6/18

Going to camp for July 4th with Chris and Taylor! Painted a lion. Saw M today. He's got stuff for me.. And my cat.

Went to poughkeepsie mall with my best friend. She bought me Panera (half a caesar salad and half a mozzarella & tomato sandwich mmmmmmmm) and then we went to the gym where I burned like 700 calories (supposedly) on the elliptical. It shut off at 65 minutes, I guess it decided that I was done. I cooked some lemon pepper chicken for us at home and she painted and I drew.

Taylor showed me some pics of me from last year where I was tiny and strong. I want it back.

Creating and stepping

Finished a clay cat sculpture today, started a key hook thing, and drew my friend as a cartoon. 

Watched 1/2 of the first episode of Orange is the new Black on the stairs master today and burned 4 million calories.

My short hair looks good curly. It might be ok!

Art, love, and weight loss.

6/8
Proud of my self control, struggled through it for 12 hours and feel a million times better for not giving into food.

6/9
Mom helped me today, thank the Lord for her and Dad.

Posted my first 10-second video today for "give it 100" website where you post a video for 100 days doing something. I'm losing weight.

Donated 8 hours of PTO to my poor friend Reynianne, because her boyfriend passed away and she needed it.

6/10
"The Mastery of Love"- everything makes sense.

He is happy because of the love coming out of him. She is happy because of the love coming out of her.

We are responsible for our own happiness.

Love has no resistance. No expectations.

When you are in the track of love- everything goes well. You feel good. Because you are happy, you are kind.

I have a magical kitchen in my heart. I am not needy for other people's love.

I have enough love in myself. I do not seek approval or to change my partner. I love him the way he is, because we want the same things, and when he does something out of fear, it is because he is suffering. It does not affect my love. My love is unconditional. When it feels conditional, I am acting out of fear.

I am vibrating with happiness, love, and understanding today, I feel like everything has come together.

At 5pm I gave in, decided to have dinner early, caught myself, changed my mind. Had a giant delicious salad and felt good for resisting. My heart jumped in my chest I was so happy with myself!

6/11
Today Stacy gave me an entire batch of cupcakes for a late birthday present. I managed to give 21 away after two hours of staring at them at my desk and I ate one, the smallest one with the least frosting. It gave me heart burn immediately. So proud of myself.

Ate Tilapia today at home and it was de-ricious.

Lost 11 pounds since my birthday!

6/12
Wrote a letter today.

Goji got fixed, Chris picked him up and brought him home. He was very quiet and apparently forgot how to purr, meow, eat, and sleep.

Enlightened.

6/13
Last day of Community Service.

Went for a walk down to the water with Chris and saw a baby turtle, another turtle, two duck families with 8 babies and no fathers. Chris saw a gigantic turtle but I missed it. Lots of fish!

Had breakfast for dinner delivered from the diner.

6/14
Spent the day painting with Ashley. I finished the Bob's Burgers painting and one of a whale and a ship. I'm really happy with them. I love painting!

Worked on a clay cat for Judy from work. Used a dremel for the first time and I'm kind of in love. What else can I do with that thing?

Cut my hair short. Again. Maybe too short. We'll see.

Started another "give it 100" project called "create".